There are so many wretched reasons to rue the coming of summer: the sun is too bright, the chlorine too antibacterial, the ice cream too tempting. If we could fast forward the summer months to rid you of their agony, we would. Don’t worry. Here are 4 foolproof ways you can have a miserable summer, just as you wish.
1 > Focus on Fat Camp
Summer means swimsuits. It means flaunting the winter fat you promised yourself you would work off with your diet plans and gym workouts but never got around to. And now it’s too late. Summer is at it’s zenith and your cellulite is showing. Focus on how insecure you feel in your swimsuit. Compare yourself to others if you can, especially those poor, unfortunate souls who have starved themselves with diet plans consisting of boiled chicken breasts and broccoli while you’ve been munching on potato chips and hamburgers. Who wants a disgusting six pack, anyway? The more you can focus on your insecurities, the more miserable your summer can be. And here’s a bonus tip: spout your diet plans wherever you go. You’re at a birthday party, the beach, a barbecue? Focus on everything you “can’t” eat and then passive-aggressively glare at anyone who dares devour a cheeseburger in front of you. We guarantee that people will avoid you, just like the celery you brought for the potluck.
2 > Don’t celebrate
School is out and people are excited to celebrate life as much as they can. Don’t give into the peer pressure to enjoy the reprieve. September will approach faster than you know it, so don’t soak in the sunshine and snow cones (definitely a no-no to your diet plans, anyway); you’ll only fall into greater despair when the Sno-Shack closes on an unexpected, August afternoon. Focus, rather, on inventing excuses to extract yourself from social situations. Your friends invite you to go wakeboarding? Gross! Who wants to enjoy a day out on the lake with friends? Don’t worry, we have some perfect excuses lined up for you: tendonitis, mono, a gimp goldfish that requires your utmost care– take your pick. And the great news? The more you reject social invitations, the greater your chances of isolation. Just say no. Repeatedly.
3 > Stay indoors and wallow
Who wants to be outdoors when the sun is shining on a consistent basis? Disgusting. You’ll sweat! And it’s possible you could suffer from a sunburn or too much Vitamin D! No, it’s best you stay indoors and binge watch your reruns. Staying active and taking advantage of the good weather is completely against your code of operation “stay depressed.” Now go take your antidepressants and turn on a sad movie.
4 > Eat only processed foods
Don’t take advantage of the fruits and vegetables that are in season. They are too delicious and have too many nutrients. Your diet plans should preferably include processed foods with lots of trans fats and high-fructose corn syrup. And whatever you do, don’t take Svêlo. Who wants to boost their metabolism, curb their cravings, or have more energy from getting all the vitamins and minerals you need? Not you, that’s who! Avoid Svêlo at all costs, otherwise it might cause you to want to go on an adventure, train for a triathlon, or (heaven forbid) enjoy life.
It’s appalling how people can flaunt their laughter and celebratory zest for life during the summer. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be one of them! Stick to your staunch diet plans and these 4 foolproof tactics for wallowing in misery and you’ll have disatisfaction guaranteed. If, however, you’d like to disregard this ridiculous advice and have the most epic summer of your life, pick up a bag of Svêlo today to help jumpstart your path to a YOLO good time.